The Sorrow and the Pit

Posted in Nutrition on May 1, 2011 by Mr Buster


Nothing angers me more than to see a can of olives labeled “PITTED” only to discover, upon purchasing and opening the can, that the advertised pits have been removed. When a vehicle is fueled, that means it’s full of fuel. When a man is said to be moneyed, that means he has lots of money. If the same man is bewigged, he has a wig. If the horse he is riding on is shoed, the horse has shoes. So why are olives said to be “pitted” when they are, in fact, de-pitted?

Here olive leaves - T' hide shame began. - The maid receives - The naked man.

Olive mongers who engage in this duplicitous practice should be stoned.

Go Red

Posted in Danger with tags on February 28, 2011 by Mr Buster


The current traffic light color code is upside down and backwards. What fool decided stoplights should be red? Red is the color of heat, of energy, of pulsing blood, raging passion. Red means action. Red means GO! Green, in sharp contrast, should not be the signal intended to spur action. Green is the color of repose, of Spring, of dallying in the meadow ‘neath the willow. Green bids you stay awhile and harken to the pipes of Pan. To dream. To bask. No wonder so many motorists die at intersections.

From what I've tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire.

The GO traffic signal should be a blazing ball of fire. The stop signal—and stop signs—should be jet black, or even ultraviolet. The middle light, now yellow, should be robin’s egg blue.

Bow Wow°•°

Posted in Injustice with tags on February 12, 2011 by Mr Buster


I am so sick of seeing animal talk transcribed with human punctuation marks. None of them apply. When animals speak—excepting owls, of course—they are not making statements, exclaiming or asking questions in the human sense of all these verbalizations. They are vocalizing in their own unique way, much like boiling steam kettles or thunder on the plain. Human punctuation marks, such as the periods, exclamation points and question marks used in English, are an inadequate indication of the import of a cat’s meowing, or a cows lowing (itself wrong transcribed as “moo” when it should be written more like “lygheauxgh”), or the Asian open-bill stork’s hey-mring-mrinking. I call for the development by zoophilologists of a panspecies animal speech punctuation system NOW.

Hark, hark! I hear / The strain of strutting chanticleer / Cry, Cock-a-diddle-dow.

Until one is invented, I use two degree marks, one on either side of a bullet, because they look like animal eyes glowing in the dark and an open mouth.

Pardon Me, Boy…

Posted in Complaints with tags on February 11, 2011 by Mr Buster


How can people let themselves be seen public wearing unshined shoes? Do people think Shoeshine Boy is still waiting on every corner with his box of polish, his rags and his brass footrest? If so, they think vainly. They will not find Shoeshine Boy. They will only make a poor, foul world still more foul with their dirtspecked, dull matte footwear as they wander in futile search of the once ubiquitous restorer of pedal decorum and train timetables.

Com, and trip it as ye go / On the light fantastick toe.

The only shining shoes you are likely to see are running shoes with glowing LEDs built into the heals.

Do You Call Buffalo Hunters “Train Shooters”?

Posted in Stupidity with tags on February 10, 2011 by Mr Buster


This is the last time I’m going to say this, so listen up good. It ain’t “ice-fishing.” It’s just plain fishing done in a little hut on a frozen lake. When you fish from the shore, do you call it “mud fishing”? When you fish from from a boat, do you call it “water fishing”? Then why, just because the fisherman is sitting on ice with his line dropped through a hole, do you say he is fishing for the platform from which he fishes? Stop it. Now.

'Taint no use to sit an' whine, / When the fish ain't on yer line / Bait yer hook an' keep a-tryin'.

You might as well call ice-skating “fishroof scraping.”

Steamjello

Posted in Injustice with tags on February 9, 2011 by Mr Buster


No matter whether Jell-O™ brand gelatin dessert is in its liquid, solid or gaseous state, we still call it Jell-O. We say “liquid Jell-O,” or “solid Jell-O,” or “vaporized Jell-O.” Water, in sharp contrast, enjoys a particular name for each particular state. As a solid, water gets the name ice; as a gas, steam. Is this fair?

The clouds methought would open and show riches / Ready to drop upon me that, when I waked, / I cried to dream again.

Personally, I’ve always thought of vaporized Jell-O dessert as “Cumul-O.”

Licensiousness

Posted in Nutrition with tags on February 8, 2011 by Mr Buster


Why is vanity the only one the seven deadly sins to get a license plate? Is the vice of vanity itself vain? Okay, fine. So be it. But surely, amongst the millions of automobiles that crisscross this great land of ours, we can make at least a litlle room for sloth, say, or anger.

Vanity, vanity, pull down thy vanity..

Personally, I’d go for the gluttony licenses. Extra large plates with the names of foodstuffs, restaurants and famous fat people.