Animals Have All Kinds of Rights

I am sick and tired of animals being treated like illegal immigrants. They have rights, you know. Just look at the Constitution. It’s all spelled out in black and parchment-color. And don’t give me that hoo-hah about the Founding Fathers owning animals. Those animals were indentured servants. They had rights.

For example, take squirrels. Squirrels have the right to climb straight up trees and scold you. And elephants. Elephants have the right to blow water out of their noses. Tigers have the right to wear stripes. Cowboys have the right to chew cud. Cowgirls have the right to make cheese. Zebras have the right to look like horses, but they don’t have the right to wear stripes. That’s why tigers hunt them down. Clams have the right to clack their shells and be happy. It’s about time we stood up for our friends lower down on the food-chain, or who will stand up for our right to grill them? Pass the buns.